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Critique exchange: hooks, loglines, query letters

Started by Alison, May 10, 2021, 06:10 PM

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Alison

Post your info here to connect with another Nebraska member to critique query letters, hooks, and loglines!
Rhinos in Nebraska - a Junior Library Guild Gold Standard selection!
https://apstevens.com/

Judith

Thought I'd share my latest logline draft, critique, and my revision to give everyone and one idea of how this works. My critiquer asked questions, but you can also make comments. My draft is crafted using the Save the Cat model and I also included the Kate Messner model. This example isn't perfect--it's just an example.

Draft Log line: Before fiery-tempered Kenna can master magic skills needed to rejoin her parents, she must overcome her fears and control her emotions. Through her carelessness, she endangers her cousin and her dragon, so she must dig deep to find her inner strength that will force her to suspend her pursuit of reuniting with parents in order to save her friends.

Comments from critiquer:  Doesn't she have to master them whether or not she reunites? Is it really that her lack of mastery is keeping them apart?
Rewrite:
Fiery-tempered Kenna must learn to overcome her fears and control her emotions in order to master her innate magic skills before reuniting with her parents. When she carelessly endangers her cousin and dragon, she needs to dig deep to place their safety ahead of her own dreams.


My Kate Messner logline:

Dragon Stones is about how Kenna learns magic skills so she can save her dragon and family, but underneath, it's really about Kenna accepting herself.

Thanks,
Judith
What Do You See?  Odyssey Books  2009
Stinky Feet  Odyssey Books  2012
Jump-start Your Library, UpStart 2008
http://judithsnyderwrites.com

Alison

Rhinos in Nebraska - a Junior Library Guild Gold Standard selection!
https://apstevens.com/

chloe-burgett

Wow, this is a fabulous example, Judith. Thanks for sharing.

Here's my first logline. (or is it too long for that? is it a synopsis?)
It's for a sequel to my Wizardly Little Red Hen book. Any suggestions are welcome!

The Ugly Gobling
The cave-dwelling, old-magic serving, shape-shifting Goblins collected many treasures. Gems, coins, rare artifacts from faraway lands. But one day, the beautiful smooth stone they traded for hatched...
Into the ugliest gobling they had ever seen. They loved him!

This is the story of a truly adorable cygnet raised with the hilarious habits of bumbling bat Goblin traders, who all think he's... well, the Ugly Gobling.

The morning finally comes (right before Gobling bed-time) when he sees a swan family. Will things click into place? Will the mixed-up cygnet finally find where he belongs?

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